May 2015 - The Struggle Continues, But... I Think There's Hope - b/c My Clothes Dont Fit

I don't have anything earth-shattering to type.  Read the other Blogs - they are pretty hilarious and true.

The most recent update:  I have gained approximately 10 lbs in a year (according to #TimeHop app).  I am officially sitting well over 200 lbs.  I also can feel the food and choices making me feel worse/bad - sluggish, lazy, craving random, eating for sport (and not b/c I am hungry) and watching the 5% of muscle tone I had disappear into fat and cellulite.

So.... My Husband and I are on a journey - together.  I guess there is a time when you are finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Unfortunately, it took us extreme weight gain and lack-of-overall health to get to that place.  Unfortunately, the fact that I have this conversation at the start of almost every week for the last 5 years and have not managed to be successful --> in a complete disbelief that my new commitment is even reasonable.

This evening, I am preparing for a big presentation.  And I realized - while standing in the closet - that my wardrobe ranges in size from about a 10 to a 16.  Who does that?!  I also noticed that I put on a jacket in preparation for the event. It was tight.  I as annoyed.  That made me want to go and eat something stupid - or slit my wrists.  (Figure of speech)  I opted not to do either, instead I am blogging.

I guess the silver lining is that a recent trip to the Doctor enlightened me that my weight gain has an actual medical root.  So, I am not blowing up like a puffer fish simply b/c I am eating more calories than normal.  I am extremely aware that my food choices are making it worse, so don't get me wrong.

But, for the month of May - in honor of my upcoming Birthday, I have launched #MayMakeover.  Its a multi-faceted campaign designed for me to really get control of my life - including my weight.  My focus has shifted in the last few weeks.  There are so many things that I have noticed do not taste as good as I remember them.  Maybe it is my subconscious simply saying to me:  B*tch!! You really need to get it together.  But, since you can't, let me help you :-/!!

The Financial Reality of the Battle... When commitment doesnt match the cost...

The other day, I had a conversation with someone - my Husband.  The irony of that is rooted in the idea that so much of this Battle with my weight and body image has been rooted in the one thing I managed to find: true and unconditional love - from someone that was once as judgmental and harsh as possible.  But, I digress....

In that conversation, I realize(d) that I have a relationship with both my weight and the ongoing-conversation about my weight.  Although I actually have not fluctuated more than about 10-13 lbs over the last 7 years (I found some old journals and pics to verify that), each time I stare a picture it is like the first time I have ever noticed my weight, that roll, whatever.  And each time, I find myself starting some new plan or new idea or new motivation.  Sure, I make it Sunday through Wednesday; but by Thursday I want to eat the stuff I enjoy. And whatever progress was made in the first half of the week is quickly undone - and then the cycle begins again.  

I need to be a commercial!  I have tried it all!  For the sake of easy numbers, I have tried...

Weight Watchers

10 times @ $45 = $450

By far, the most effective and cost-efficient option I have used. I could eat real food the meetings were more effective than being online and it was basic - you have decisions to make.  It wasn't that I couldn't eat pizza; but I certainly couldn't eat it and eat a burger and fries in the same day/week. 

Hydroxycut / Metabolife / SlimQuick / Cellucor 

10 @ $23 = $230

I could never actually find the right time/dosage to avoid being awake all night.  Plus, I probably should have eaten cleaner while using these products.  

Meal Replacement Shakes - GNC / Slim Fast

$34 + $10 = $44

I actually like these.  I can't assess their effectiveness b/c I let the mental of just wanting to chew my food or eat what I liked get in the way of letting the Shakes be an actual meal  Other times, I had so much fruit and bullsh*t in there, they probably weren't healthy any more anyway.

Adipex

$34

This is a prescription.  I managed to experience every side effect mentioned.  So, this was short lived for me.  

Advocare 

$100

Over the last 7 years, I am pretty sure I have dumped more than $850 into products that should have / would have made my weight loss more productive and/or permanent.  Oh, plus there are the countless gym fees, Zumba classes, etc.  So, for the sake of easy numbers lets go with $15 a month for 5 years: $1200.  What the fuck?!  When you look at the pure numbers, I should be at my target weight by now.  But... I'm not.  And do I blame the products?!  No.  I blame me - b/c I don't think I made it more than about 14 days on any one of them.  

Now, that doesn't include all of the times I ran to the grocery store on a Sunday to "prepare" for the week and bought a bunch of random stuff that I swore I was going to eat - but didn't.  Nor does that include the tennis shoes (or sneakers for my friends on the east coast), leggings, etc I have purchased in order to "motivate myself" to a workout.  If I had to guess, I can definitely tack on an additional $40 a week twice a month for 5 years and a few trips to target:  $1400.

Over the last 5-7 years, we are looking at $3450!! And since I have been struggling with weight since I was 20 and am now 35; that is about a total of $10, 350!  That is a year's tuition at a state university - but I still don't have the weight, body nor overall health that I actually want.  That is absolutely ri-damn-diculous.  

I guess one could say that I am "lucky" that my weight hasn't really changed much over the last 5-7 years.  But, that's just it... My weight hasn't changed in 5-7 years!  

So... Back to the conversation... I have a relationship with my weight.  Attempting to lose weight - and the conversations that go along with that - have been the focus of my life/friendships for a long time.  What will I do without this ongoing conversation/complaint?  What will I worry about if I actually manage to get the size/shape I want?  And for all the time people swore as soon as I lost some weight, Mr. Right would show up; what am I supposed to do with the idea that I am already happily married - that someone thinks I pretty damn hot anyway?

Today's reality:  My Battle has been expensive - namely b/c I am looking for a quick fix and b/c whether  went with a product or the old-fashion way; I am too inconsistent to see any meaningful results.  My Battle has become a staple if my life and conversations; so if/when I start getting it together: either new topics or new friends.  

I work well with numbers - having raw data to support a theory/idea/platform.  Maybe this piece/dose of reality will be the thing to get me on track - for real.