Saturday, April 27, 2013

8/12/12 (Finally hit "publish" - oops!) Biggest Rival....

I think my weight just might be the biggest rival I have EVER had.  It is - quite honestly - the one thing that I have not been able to triumph.  And it has come to a point that I simply can not go forward.  Oh, what was/is the latest random catalyst:  My ex-boyfriend is on Facebook.  He looks the same - fucking gorgeous.  In theory, he can't see me on Facebook.  But, the mere fact that after all this time and all our drama; the mere fact that I give a damn what he thinks BUT MOST IMPORTANT am not proud of who I am - makes me sick! So, yep... Another #MotivatingMoment.

My Father was here last weekend.  We had a great time.  But in true Parental Form, he cut me quick with a comment about my weight.  Yes, I realize that parents shouldn't make their kids feel crazy about their weight.  And it is a conversation I have had with both of my parents for as long as I can remember.  But, the real issue here: There shouldn't be anything to say.  #MotivatingMoment.

And last.... People - and now me - act as if my Weight in some way makes me responsible for the problems in my life.  If I complain about being single, the first thing: Take better care of yourself and lose some weight.  If I complain about not feeling well, the first thing:  You probably wouldn't be sick if you took better care of yourself and lost some weight.  I mean, people have such a disdain for fat people, it is as if they- well, we - are second hand citizens.  Is it wrong to both fight for civil rights / liberties for Fat People - even though I sometimes feel like I am actually "not that big"?! 

Here's the truth... I wear a 14 jean.  The average woman wears a size 12.  So, I am actually not that far off base.  But, the fact that everyone makes every issue I have about my needing to love myself more WHILE telling me how I need to lose weight so I can love myself (you like that dumb ass backwards logic), makes me feel like everyone else is a size 6 and I am a size 20.  Make sense? Well, it doesn't have to. It is my truth.