I think my weight just might be the biggest rival I have EVER had. It is - quite honestly - the one thing that I have not been able to triumph. And it has come to a point that I simply can not go forward. Oh, what was/is the latest random catalyst: My ex-boyfriend is on Facebook. He looks the same - fucking gorgeous. In theory, he can't see me on Facebook. But, the mere fact that after all this time and all our drama; the mere fact that I give a damn what he thinks BUT MOST IMPORTANT am not proud of who I am - makes me sick! So, yep... Another #MotivatingMoment.
My Father was here last weekend. We had a great time. But in true Parental Form, he cut me quick with a comment about my weight. Yes, I realize that parents shouldn't make their kids feel crazy about their weight. And it is a conversation I have had with both of my parents for as long as I can remember. But, the real issue here: There shouldn't be anything to say. #MotivatingMoment.
And last.... People - and now me - act as if my Weight in some way makes me responsible for the problems in my life. If I complain about being single, the first thing: Take better care of yourself and lose some weight. If I complain about not feeling well, the first thing: You probably wouldn't be sick if you took better care of yourself and lost some weight. I mean, people have such a disdain for fat people, it is as if they- well, we - are second hand citizens. Is it wrong to both fight for civil rights / liberties for Fat People - even though I sometimes feel like I am actually "not that big"?!
Here's the truth... I wear a 14 jean. The average woman wears a size 12. So, I am actually not that far off base. But, the fact that everyone makes every issue I have about my needing to love myself more WHILE telling me how I need to lose weight so I can love myself (you like that dumb ass backwards logic), makes me feel like everyone else is a size 6 and I am a size 20. Make sense? Well, it doesn't have to. It is my truth.