I did some real Fat Girl Sh*t Today... For the love of God - Enough is Enough

Is it time - yet?!  Damn!  I have heard and read my own comments and FB posts about losing weight for so long, I am sick of my damn self.  The other day, I posted a meme that said "Here we go...Time to get ready for those 'New Year, New Me' " posts.  I hate those!  The irony - and sad truth - I am still claiming "new week" and "new me" EVERY week.  I guess what is different this time:  I - literally - feel crappy. Well, not overall, but I do feel craptastic from an overall health standpoint.

I have read all of the articles and blogs.  I have watched all of the Netflix movies and the YouTube personal vlogs.  I have done all the research.  One thing that most great Weight Loss Success Stories have in common: some epic catalyst that changes people overnight (or so it seems).  What is prevalent in most made-for-TV weight loss / makeover stories is that the person (usually a woman - of course) is all frumpy and miserable when she is fat.  Then, she suddenly starts working out, getting cute and their entire life turns around.

Well, none of the above will be my story.  Not only am I a relatively happy person - already; that overnight "spark" has failed for me all 500 times that I have tried it. I am not walking around all frumpy and miserable - barely showering or ironing my clothes (like all of the "before" pics).  I simply want to feel - and look - better!

There are some realities that come with being either overweight and/or unhappy with one's appearance.  That is what I am going to focus on when writing.  There are moments I have in my life every day that I realize I want/need to drop some weight.  It's not going to be pretty nor fun.  I am not a relatively fit person that needs to tone up a few areas.  Nope, I am an overall health and wellness TRAIN WRECK - complete with a laundry list of bad habits that I need to work on.  (Did I just end a sentence with a preposition?!  Don't tell my Mother)

There were a few moments today that I felt fat:
1.  I did the fat girl rock to get out of a seated position from a deep/cushy couch
2.  My Father asked if my butt was getting bigger (ah...it wasn't "creepy", it was a a wake up call)
3.  I walked up 2 sets of stairs; I was winded when I got to the top of the 30 steps.
That is 3 moments today - 3 moments that happened between 10a and 7pm.  What?!

What I usually do it jump-and-down and promise that "tomorrow", I am going cold turkey.  I last about 20 minutes and then I am right back to normal.  So... none of that - this time.  I have made a decision, so I need to put things in my path that will ensure my success.

Day 1 (Day 1 #4564784) Starts Tomorrow.  Why "this time" HAS to be Different!

Usually, I am all fun and games - complete with doses of sarcasm and self-deprecating humor. Today, though I am writing from a place of real vulnerability.  Okay, "vulnerability" is probably an exaggeration for effect.  But, for real... Today, I had an epiphany of sorts.  I am - literally - addicted to food.  

I can't drop any weight b/c my entire life revolves around food.  It is really a bit much. In fact, it is almost embarrassing.  The day before I start down the path of another "Fresh Start" or "Starting next week (Monday)"; I am literally anxious about the idea of having to give up a few foods - for a short period of time.  My intellectual side realizes it is ridiculous to act as if 8 weeks of eating like I have a brain is not a life sentence.  In fact, it is my intellectual side that stands in AWE of my non-sensible anxiety that when I am able to get back to eating - yes, eating the same b*llsh*t that has had me writing the same blog for a year - there will be no pizza nor Starbucks left on the planet.  

I took the first step, I owned my Addiction.  In fact, I looked online  for an Over-eaters Anonymous meeting.  There was a conference call - which I promptly got on.  I was on the call approximately 5 minutes before I politely hung up.  I understood the premise BUT the Leader was so damn awful. And the participants - well, lets just say I developed a visual of someone being 500lbs and homebound.  (I know... I suck.)

Anyway, what has inspired this latest wave of "readiness".  Well, lets see - and let me use my Educator Training as I list these things...
Losing weight is important to me because...
1.  I feel like crap - sluggish, lazy, headaches and - now - chest pain
2.  I want to look and feel better in my clothes
3.  I have a Father, Husband and Dog that want and need me to be here
4.  This battle has been going on for 15 years; I am tired of losing!
5.  My post from March/April - the Economics of the Struggle - holds true.  And since that time, i have only added additional expenses/money to that blog and have no results.

So, tomorrow is Day #1 of 60ish (well, 58 - but 60 sounds so much more dramatic).  I commit to keep this blog updated.  I commit to being honest and open about this experience.  And I commit to going full throttle into this endeavor!

Starting Point: 212

PRODUCT REVIEW: The Beach Body - 21 Day Fix

PRODUCT REVIEW:  The Beach Body - 21 Day Fix

Link:  http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/21-day-fix-simple-fitness-eating.do

Nothing will ruin your life faster than a combination of insomnia and/or the interest in a "quick fix".  So... While up at some random hour, I discovered Montel Williams latest promo for 21 Day Fix.  The infomercial was convincing.  The program seemed easy - and promised that I wouldn't be hungry.  And... I am always trying to get Skinny By Tuesday sans any actual commitment.

The plan arrived.  Immediately, I thought that there MUST be a second box - b/c so little shipped.  But, that small box was all the program offered.

Let me save you the 3-4 payments of $20.

- Basically, it is a combination of Cleaning Eating and Atkins
... No bread
... No real sugar
... Limited pasta, and whole wheat
... Does allow fruit

- Bulks up the diet with green / leafy veggies

- The containers provide an easy measurement BUT as a former Math Teacher, its pretty easy to use your regular measuring cups and figure this out
... Purple = Approximately 1 and 1/4 cup  (fresh, raw fruit)
... Green = Approximately 1 and 1/8 cup (green leafy veggies)
... Red = Approximately 3/4 cup OR 3.5 oz chicken/protein  (lean protein OR greek yogurt OR eggs OR tofu)
... Yellow = Approximately 1/2 cup (healthy carbs --> sweet potato, brown rice, wheat tortilla, oatmeal, pasta)
... Blue = Approximately 1/3 cup (good fats --> avocado, cheese, guacamole, almonds)
... Orange = Approximately 2 tbsp (healthy oils and homemade dressings)

There is a pic attached for you to determine how many of each you get.

Tadah!  There you have it.

30 Unanswered Days... When Birthday Fun Goes Waay Overboard

I am so sick of myself... When birthday fun goes too damn far....

 

A month ago, I wrote a whiteboard. I wrote everything in purple and green - on April 24th: my current weight, my macro and mini weight/health goals and target dates. I also joined WW (again) that day. And....

 

Then I spent 30 days kickin it and eating like a famine was coming any day now.

I hopped back on the scale. And... I GAINED 3ish pounds. Who does that?! So, I had to rewrite the whiteboard: a new starting weight, a new goal and a new timeline. I am so sick!

 

I planned to "start for real" after the Holiday - on Tuesday (its Sunday). But, I can't wait another day. So... it starts on the morning.

 

I have been pretty tight-lipped about the actual numbers. But, I guess if I am going to be an inspiration AND ask for inspiration, it's time to get real - and share what it really is.

Random: Instead of watching Golden Girls, my 600lb Life is on TV. This chick is on here crying and falling out - claiming she cant understand why she's not losing weight AND talking about ice cream. While I can't/won't EVER be 600lb,  this RIDICULOUS logic and lack-of-effort sounds all too familiar.  This Lady is NUTS!  Dr. Now said it best, "I don't care what you SAY... The TRUTH is on the scale." #Boom!

 

Let me do better! Oh, and find the damn gym I am paying for!

Just a random Tuesday.... Is Just Being Sick and Tired Enough - or is it Anti-climactic?!

The way it works when "other people" publish their awesome weight loss story - they ahve some epic inspiration:  Someone has recently passed (I lost my Mother 7 year ago...So, I missed that boat) OR they have some awful diagnosis from the Doctor (my doc just says 'lose some weight' - like he/she has for the last 15 years - but I am otherwise healthy) OR they had a break-up (now that is one is usually a good catalyst for me, but I recently married "my person") OR its time for a high school reunion (I went to an all girls school and FB means they already know). 

Well, I don't have any of that.  I just decided I am sick of my damn self.  Let me tell you how my SickOfDamnSelf started - this time.  I went to Happy Hour on Friday.  I went to lunch on Saturday and out to dinner.  I went to lunch on Sunday.  And today (Monday), I went to a meeting and ate - Italian.  And ont he way home, I stopped at a drive thru.  What you hate is... I ordered it, brought it home and hit is sitting on the table - untouched.  I didn't even want/need it!  Who does that?!  Me - a Food Addict.

I am also SickOfDamnSelf because although I paid $58 to join WW 2 weeks ago, I have not worked hard to eat right.  Instead, I have been eating what I want and trying to make the Program work around my b*llsh*t.  Who orders potato skins when they are trying to lose weight?!  I swear!  I am a slave to my FatGirlTasteBuds.

I am a walking bumper sticker of "Live to Eat". I should be "Eat to Live"

Katie Couric has started the FedUp Challenge - in response to the documentary, Fed Up.  the documentary chronicles the way sugar (and the like) are added to everything we eat which results an addiction.  Today, I joined it.  I joined it.... and then... I drank a huge Pepsi.

What the f*ck is my problem?!  

The trends are clean eating, peleo eating, cardio, going natural - avoiding the cycle of prescriptions.  It seems that the trend is to get back to where we started:  Eating like we have some damn sense. 

NO one will ever run up to you and say that I am the most energetic, healthy, athletic nor patient person on the planet.  And I wouldn't dare lie to anyone that takes 10 minutes out of their life to read my words.  I wake up and take a few ibuprofen/aspirin (b/c I have a headache). The aforementioned headache is caused due to my high ass blood pressure.  I drink something super sugary in the morning - a McDonald's frappe is my preference, but I have done a smoothie (at home) a couple of times a month.  During the day, I snack - all day.  I drink a can of Pepsi and carry a single bottle of water.  And...If given the choice - I will always pick a restaurant.  Its not that I can't cook, I just rather not AND I enjoy the good stuff - b/c I certainly will not show up and order a grilled chicken breast.  

My point:  I realize I am TOTALLY out of order.  I don't want to be fat.  I don't want the problems and ongoing crappy feelings that come as a result of having extra weight.  I don't want to start down the path of taking a zillion scripts to function - but the weight and the cycle of my current drugs is going to send me right down that damn path.  

In the morning, I am going to wake up and start a 30 Day Challenge.  I am going to keep tracking both my food and weight via WW.  I am also going to use the system to track/note how I feel when I eat or do certain things.  Like they say "Nothing changes if nothing changes".  It is time to do something drastic.

Leaving my life to chance is no longer an option.  I have too much to live for, so - assuming God gives me another day, tomorrow starts a journey.  Let me be a real world example of how what I eat or due impacts my OVERALL health - to include my weight.

I will share it all.... the weight is a WW thing - b/c the truly endorse clean eating (although they don't say it, but if you follow the program, it becomes obvious).  But, it is my goal to experience and journal how these changes change me.  Maybe I will prove to be helpful to someone else. 

The Financial Reality of the Battle... When commitment doesnt match the cost...

The other day, I had a conversation with someone - my Husband.  The irony of that is rooted in the idea that so much of this Battle with my weight and body image has been rooted in the one thing I managed to find: true and unconditional love - from someone that was once as judgmental and harsh as possible.  But, I digress....

In that conversation, I realize(d) that I have a relationship with both my weight and the ongoing-conversation about my weight.  Although I actually have not fluctuated more than about 10-13 lbs over the last 7 years (I found some old journals and pics to verify that), each time I stare a picture it is like the first time I have ever noticed my weight, that roll, whatever.  And each time, I find myself starting some new plan or new idea or new motivation.  Sure, I make it Sunday through Wednesday; but by Thursday I want to eat the stuff I enjoy. And whatever progress was made in the first half of the week is quickly undone - and then the cycle begins again.  

I need to be a commercial!  I have tried it all!  For the sake of easy numbers, I have tried...

Weight Watchers

10 times @ $45 = $450

By far, the most effective and cost-efficient option I have used. I could eat real food the meetings were more effective than being online and it was basic - you have decisions to make.  It wasn't that I couldn't eat pizza; but I certainly couldn't eat it and eat a burger and fries in the same day/week. 

Hydroxycut / Metabolife / SlimQuick / Cellucor 

10 @ $23 = $230

I could never actually find the right time/dosage to avoid being awake all night.  Plus, I probably should have eaten cleaner while using these products.  

Meal Replacement Shakes - GNC / Slim Fast

$34 + $10 = $44

I actually like these.  I can't assess their effectiveness b/c I let the mental of just wanting to chew my food or eat what I liked get in the way of letting the Shakes be an actual meal  Other times, I had so much fruit and bullsh*t in there, they probably weren't healthy any more anyway.

Adipex

$34

This is a prescription.  I managed to experience every side effect mentioned.  So, this was short lived for me.  

Advocare 

$100

Over the last 7 years, I am pretty sure I have dumped more than $850 into products that should have / would have made my weight loss more productive and/or permanent.  Oh, plus there are the countless gym fees, Zumba classes, etc.  So, for the sake of easy numbers lets go with $15 a month for 5 years: $1200.  What the fuck?!  When you look at the pure numbers, I should be at my target weight by now.  But... I'm not.  And do I blame the products?!  No.  I blame me - b/c I don't think I made it more than about 14 days on any one of them.  

Now, that doesn't include all of the times I ran to the grocery store on a Sunday to "prepare" for the week and bought a bunch of random stuff that I swore I was going to eat - but didn't.  Nor does that include the tennis shoes (or sneakers for my friends on the east coast), leggings, etc I have purchased in order to "motivate myself" to a workout.  If I had to guess, I can definitely tack on an additional $40 a week twice a month for 5 years and a few trips to target:  $1400.

Over the last 5-7 years, we are looking at $3450!! And since I have been struggling with weight since I was 20 and am now 35; that is about a total of $10, 350!  That is a year's tuition at a state university - but I still don't have the weight, body nor overall health that I actually want.  That is absolutely ri-damn-diculous.  

I guess one could say that I am "lucky" that my weight hasn't really changed much over the last 5-7 years.  But, that's just it... My weight hasn't changed in 5-7 years!  

So... Back to the conversation... I have a relationship with my weight.  Attempting to lose weight - and the conversations that go along with that - have been the focus of my life/friendships for a long time.  What will I do without this ongoing conversation/complaint?  What will I worry about if I actually manage to get the size/shape I want?  And for all the time people swore as soon as I lost some weight, Mr. Right would show up; what am I supposed to do with the idea that I am already happily married - that someone thinks I pretty damn hot anyway?

Today's reality:  My Battle has been expensive - namely b/c I am looking for a quick fix and b/c whether  went with a product or the old-fashion way; I am too inconsistent to see any meaningful results.  My Battle has become a staple if my life and conversations; so if/when I start getting it together: either new topics or new friends.  

I work well with numbers - having raw data to support a theory/idea/platform.  Maybe this piece/dose of reality will be the thing to get me on track - for real.