May 2015 - The Struggle Continues, But... I Think There's Hope - b/c My Clothes Dont Fit

I don't have anything earth-shattering to type.  Read the other Blogs - they are pretty hilarious and true.

The most recent update:  I have gained approximately 10 lbs in a year (according to #TimeHop app).  I am officially sitting well over 200 lbs.  I also can feel the food and choices making me feel worse/bad - sluggish, lazy, craving random, eating for sport (and not b/c I am hungry) and watching the 5% of muscle tone I had disappear into fat and cellulite.

So.... My Husband and I are on a journey - together.  I guess there is a time when you are finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Unfortunately, it took us extreme weight gain and lack-of-overall health to get to that place.  Unfortunately, the fact that I have this conversation at the start of almost every week for the last 5 years and have not managed to be successful --> in a complete disbelief that my new commitment is even reasonable.

This evening, I am preparing for a big presentation.  And I realized - while standing in the closet - that my wardrobe ranges in size from about a 10 to a 16.  Who does that?!  I also noticed that I put on a jacket in preparation for the event. It was tight.  I as annoyed.  That made me want to go and eat something stupid - or slit my wrists.  (Figure of speech)  I opted not to do either, instead I am blogging.

I guess the silver lining is that a recent trip to the Doctor enlightened me that my weight gain has an actual medical root.  So, I am not blowing up like a puffer fish simply b/c I am eating more calories than normal.  I am extremely aware that my food choices are making it worse, so don't get me wrong.

But, for the month of May - in honor of my upcoming Birthday, I have launched #MayMakeover.  Its a multi-faceted campaign designed for me to really get control of my life - including my weight.  My focus has shifted in the last few weeks.  There are so many things that I have noticed do not taste as good as I remember them.  Maybe it is my subconscious simply saying to me:  B*tch!! You really need to get it together.  But, since you can't, let me help you :-/!!

I did some real Fat Girl Sh*t Today... For the love of God - Enough is Enough

Is it time - yet?!  Damn!  I have heard and read my own comments and FB posts about losing weight for so long, I am sick of my damn self.  The other day, I posted a meme that said "Here we go...Time to get ready for those 'New Year, New Me' " posts.  I hate those!  The irony - and sad truth - I am still claiming "new week" and "new me" EVERY week.  I guess what is different this time:  I - literally - feel crappy. Well, not overall, but I do feel craptastic from an overall health standpoint.

I have read all of the articles and blogs.  I have watched all of the Netflix movies and the YouTube personal vlogs.  I have done all the research.  One thing that most great Weight Loss Success Stories have in common: some epic catalyst that changes people overnight (or so it seems).  What is prevalent in most made-for-TV weight loss / makeover stories is that the person (usually a woman - of course) is all frumpy and miserable when she is fat.  Then, she suddenly starts working out, getting cute and their entire life turns around.

Well, none of the above will be my story.  Not only am I a relatively happy person - already; that overnight "spark" has failed for me all 500 times that I have tried it. I am not walking around all frumpy and miserable - barely showering or ironing my clothes (like all of the "before" pics).  I simply want to feel - and look - better!

There are some realities that come with being either overweight and/or unhappy with one's appearance.  That is what I am going to focus on when writing.  There are moments I have in my life every day that I realize I want/need to drop some weight.  It's not going to be pretty nor fun.  I am not a relatively fit person that needs to tone up a few areas.  Nope, I am an overall health and wellness TRAIN WRECK - complete with a laundry list of bad habits that I need to work on.  (Did I just end a sentence with a preposition?!  Don't tell my Mother)

There were a few moments today that I felt fat:
1.  I did the fat girl rock to get out of a seated position from a deep/cushy couch
2.  My Father asked if my butt was getting bigger (ah...it wasn't "creepy", it was a a wake up call)
3.  I walked up 2 sets of stairs; I was winded when I got to the top of the 30 steps.
That is 3 moments today - 3 moments that happened between 10a and 7pm.  What?!

What I usually do it jump-and-down and promise that "tomorrow", I am going cold turkey.  I last about 20 minutes and then I am right back to normal.  So... none of that - this time.  I have made a decision, so I need to put things in my path that will ensure my success.

Day 1 (Day 1 #4564784) Starts Tomorrow.  Why "this time" HAS to be Different!

Usually, I am all fun and games - complete with doses of sarcasm and self-deprecating humor. Today, though I am writing from a place of real vulnerability.  Okay, "vulnerability" is probably an exaggeration for effect.  But, for real... Today, I had an epiphany of sorts.  I am - literally - addicted to food.  

I can't drop any weight b/c my entire life revolves around food.  It is really a bit much. In fact, it is almost embarrassing.  The day before I start down the path of another "Fresh Start" or "Starting next week (Monday)"; I am literally anxious about the idea of having to give up a few foods - for a short period of time.  My intellectual side realizes it is ridiculous to act as if 8 weeks of eating like I have a brain is not a life sentence.  In fact, it is my intellectual side that stands in AWE of my non-sensible anxiety that when I am able to get back to eating - yes, eating the same b*llsh*t that has had me writing the same blog for a year - there will be no pizza nor Starbucks left on the planet.  

I took the first step, I owned my Addiction.  In fact, I looked online  for an Over-eaters Anonymous meeting.  There was a conference call - which I promptly got on.  I was on the call approximately 5 minutes before I politely hung up.  I understood the premise BUT the Leader was so damn awful. And the participants - well, lets just say I developed a visual of someone being 500lbs and homebound.  (I know... I suck.)

Anyway, what has inspired this latest wave of "readiness".  Well, lets see - and let me use my Educator Training as I list these things...
Losing weight is important to me because...
1.  I feel like crap - sluggish, lazy, headaches and - now - chest pain
2.  I want to look and feel better in my clothes
3.  I have a Father, Husband and Dog that want and need me to be here
4.  This battle has been going on for 15 years; I am tired of losing!
5.  My post from March/April - the Economics of the Struggle - holds true.  And since that time, i have only added additional expenses/money to that blog and have no results.

So, tomorrow is Day #1 of 60ish (well, 58 - but 60 sounds so much more dramatic).  I commit to keep this blog updated.  I commit to being honest and open about this experience.  And I commit to going full throttle into this endeavor!

Starting Point: 212

30 Unanswered Days... When Birthday Fun Goes Waay Overboard

I am so sick of myself... When birthday fun goes too damn far....

 

A month ago, I wrote a whiteboard. I wrote everything in purple and green - on April 24th: my current weight, my macro and mini weight/health goals and target dates. I also joined WW (again) that day. And....

 

Then I spent 30 days kickin it and eating like a famine was coming any day now.

I hopped back on the scale. And... I GAINED 3ish pounds. Who does that?! So, I had to rewrite the whiteboard: a new starting weight, a new goal and a new timeline. I am so sick!

 

I planned to "start for real" after the Holiday - on Tuesday (its Sunday). But, I can't wait another day. So... it starts on the morning.

 

I have been pretty tight-lipped about the actual numbers. But, I guess if I am going to be an inspiration AND ask for inspiration, it's time to get real - and share what it really is.

Random: Instead of watching Golden Girls, my 600lb Life is on TV. This chick is on here crying and falling out - claiming she cant understand why she's not losing weight AND talking about ice cream. While I can't/won't EVER be 600lb,  this RIDICULOUS logic and lack-of-effort sounds all too familiar.  This Lady is NUTS!  Dr. Now said it best, "I don't care what you SAY... The TRUTH is on the scale." #Boom!

 

Let me do better! Oh, and find the damn gym I am paying for!