May 2015 - The Struggle Continues, But... I Think There's Hope - b/c My Clothes Dont Fit

I don't have anything earth-shattering to type.  Read the other Blogs - they are pretty hilarious and true.

The most recent update:  I have gained approximately 10 lbs in a year (according to #TimeHop app).  I am officially sitting well over 200 lbs.  I also can feel the food and choices making me feel worse/bad - sluggish, lazy, craving random, eating for sport (and not b/c I am hungry) and watching the 5% of muscle tone I had disappear into fat and cellulite.

So.... My Husband and I are on a journey - together.  I guess there is a time when you are finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Unfortunately, it took us extreme weight gain and lack-of-overall health to get to that place.  Unfortunately, the fact that I have this conversation at the start of almost every week for the last 5 years and have not managed to be successful --> in a complete disbelief that my new commitment is even reasonable.

This evening, I am preparing for a big presentation.  And I realized - while standing in the closet - that my wardrobe ranges in size from about a 10 to a 16.  Who does that?!  I also noticed that I put on a jacket in preparation for the event. It was tight.  I as annoyed.  That made me want to go and eat something stupid - or slit my wrists.  (Figure of speech)  I opted not to do either, instead I am blogging.

I guess the silver lining is that a recent trip to the Doctor enlightened me that my weight gain has an actual medical root.  So, I am not blowing up like a puffer fish simply b/c I am eating more calories than normal.  I am extremely aware that my food choices are making it worse, so don't get me wrong.

But, for the month of May - in honor of my upcoming Birthday, I have launched #MayMakeover.  Its a multi-faceted campaign designed for me to really get control of my life - including my weight.  My focus has shifted in the last few weeks.  There are so many things that I have noticed do not taste as good as I remember them.  Maybe it is my subconscious simply saying to me:  B*tch!! You really need to get it together.  But, since you can't, let me help you :-/!!

Day 1 (Day 1 #4564784) Starts Tomorrow.  Why "this time" HAS to be Different!

Usually, I am all fun and games - complete with doses of sarcasm and self-deprecating humor. Today, though I am writing from a place of real vulnerability.  Okay, "vulnerability" is probably an exaggeration for effect.  But, for real... Today, I had an epiphany of sorts.  I am - literally - addicted to food.  

I can't drop any weight b/c my entire life revolves around food.  It is really a bit much. In fact, it is almost embarrassing.  The day before I start down the path of another "Fresh Start" or "Starting next week (Monday)"; I am literally anxious about the idea of having to give up a few foods - for a short period of time.  My intellectual side realizes it is ridiculous to act as if 8 weeks of eating like I have a brain is not a life sentence.  In fact, it is my intellectual side that stands in AWE of my non-sensible anxiety that when I am able to get back to eating - yes, eating the same b*llsh*t that has had me writing the same blog for a year - there will be no pizza nor Starbucks left on the planet.  

I took the first step, I owned my Addiction.  In fact, I looked online  for an Over-eaters Anonymous meeting.  There was a conference call - which I promptly got on.  I was on the call approximately 5 minutes before I politely hung up.  I understood the premise BUT the Leader was so damn awful. And the participants - well, lets just say I developed a visual of someone being 500lbs and homebound.  (I know... I suck.)

Anyway, what has inspired this latest wave of "readiness".  Well, lets see - and let me use my Educator Training as I list these things...
Losing weight is important to me because...
1.  I feel like crap - sluggish, lazy, headaches and - now - chest pain
2.  I want to look and feel better in my clothes
3.  I have a Father, Husband and Dog that want and need me to be here
4.  This battle has been going on for 15 years; I am tired of losing!
5.  My post from March/April - the Economics of the Struggle - holds true.  And since that time, i have only added additional expenses/money to that blog and have no results.

So, tomorrow is Day #1 of 60ish (well, 58 - but 60 sounds so much more dramatic).  I commit to keep this blog updated.  I commit to being honest and open about this experience.  And I commit to going full throttle into this endeavor!

Starting Point: 212