I think my weight just might be the biggest rival I have EVER had. It is - quite honestly - the one thing that I have not been able to triumph. And it has come to a point that I simply can not go forward. Oh, what was/is the latest random catalyst: My ex-boyfriend is on Facebook. He looks the same - fucking gorgeous. In theory, he can't see me on Facebook. But, the mere fact that after all this time and all our drama; the mere fact that I give a damn what he thinks BUT MOST IMPORTANT am not proud of who I am - makes me sick! So, yep... Another #MotivatingMoment.
My Father was here last weekend. We had a great time. But in true Parental Form, he cut me quick with a comment about my weight. Yes, I realize that parents shouldn't make their kids feel crazy about their weight. And it is a conversation I have had with both of my parents for as long as I can remember. But, the real issue here: There shouldn't be anything to say. #MotivatingMoment.
And last.... People - and now me - act as if my Weight in some way makes me responsible for the problems in my life. If I complain about being single, the first thing: Take better care of yourself and lose some weight. If I complain about not feeling well, the first thing: You probably wouldn't be sick if you took better care of yourself and lost some weight. I mean, people have such a disdain for fat people, it is as if they- well, we - are second hand citizens. Is it wrong to both fight for civil rights / liberties for Fat People - even though I sometimes feel like I am actually "not that big"?!
Here's the truth... I wear a 14 jean. The average woman wears a size 12. So, I am actually not that far off base. But, the fact that everyone makes every issue I have about my needing to love myself more WHILE telling me how I need to lose weight so I can love myself (you like that dumb ass backwards logic), makes me feel like everyone else is a size 6 and I am a size 20. Make sense? Well, it doesn't have to. It is my truth.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
The How... The Why....
I read another blog on POSH. For reinforcement, I started a book titled Thin is the New Happy. And what did/do they both say: That an important part of losing weight - and ending the never-ending battle is to explore how it all started; later to explore why / how I gained weight and keep gaining.
Sure, I know all the science behind it. I know the simple answer: I eat all the bullshit I can find. And I do minimal exercise. Its that simple. I like the way food tastes - oh, wait, that's not true. I like the way the fattiest or highest calorie or carb heaviest items on the menu taste. In addition, I eat when I am hungry. I eat when I am bored. I eat when I am lonely. I eat when I want to hang out with my friends. Of all the ridiculous food choices I make/prefer - only about half of those bad choices are actually for the purpose of nutrition. The tragedy: While I know that and can articulate it here, I rarely stop before eating something and say, "Shayna, are you hungry?! And if so, is this the best choice?!"
#Fail
But why - oh, why - is my weight an issue? My weight has been an issue for as long as I can remember. As long as I can remember, my weight has been a direct correlation with my being single. (Just go with me here, the two are going somewhere...) When I was very young, I remember feeling and hearing, "You are so pretty... And smart... I just don't know why you can't find a boyfriend". That would automatically go to a list of reasons and ways to find Mr, Right. What was always at the top of the list - drop some weight. So, the weight problem became not a just health and self-esteem and aesthetic issue; but it was now seemingly "the one thing" standing between finding Mr. Right.
I imagine it became - or has become - for me that I have to be perfect in order to gain the approval of either my inner-circle (parents included) and/or Mr. Right. And "perfect" meant being thin. My brilliance, my career accomplishments, my degrees, my friendships, my years of soccer, my ability to find and job - and another one that paid more and/or gavem ore responsiblity, my moves acrosst he country, etc meant anything to anyone because I ddn't have Mr. Right. And I didn't have Mr. Right because I wasn't / am not thin.
My weight spiral is the result of three things:
1. Genetics
2. Bad eating habits (its ont thing to eat, its another to eat all the wrong things at all the wrong times)
3. The correlation that my weight was the one thing standing b/w me and perfect (and consequently Mr. Right and/or the apporoval of people around me).
People - and I - have made me feel like my weight in some way makes me less-deserving of the "best". Hell, the weight has made me feel / think that I am not even allowed to dar want the "best". Intsead, because I have dealt with my weight for so long; I am starting to think that Fat Shayna is less-deserving than everyone else. It is that belief that had me in a relationship with Mr Hotness while being mistreated and made to feel small - b/c I questioned if I deserved someone so hott (crazy and all) at my weight.
Oh, one more thing... I have tried every motivation factor to get this done. I have used the "one day I am going to run into him again" (see how that goes back to the Mr. Right thing), the "we are only a few days/weeks away from x-event" logic and/or the "I am doing this fo rme..." attempt. Nist emotionally-charged was "I los tmy Mother to heart disease, I am going to do better..." I have tried it all. None of those motivations have worked - or stuck.
Now that we have explored this to death; the goal is to explore and find a useful motivation so that this SkinnyByTuesday attempt actually works!
Sure, I know all the science behind it. I know the simple answer: I eat all the bullshit I can find. And I do minimal exercise. Its that simple. I like the way food tastes - oh, wait, that's not true. I like the way the fattiest or highest calorie or carb heaviest items on the menu taste. In addition, I eat when I am hungry. I eat when I am bored. I eat when I am lonely. I eat when I want to hang out with my friends. Of all the ridiculous food choices I make/prefer - only about half of those bad choices are actually for the purpose of nutrition. The tragedy: While I know that and can articulate it here, I rarely stop before eating something and say, "Shayna, are you hungry?! And if so, is this the best choice?!"
#Fail
But why - oh, why - is my weight an issue? My weight has been an issue for as long as I can remember. As long as I can remember, my weight has been a direct correlation with my being single. (Just go with me here, the two are going somewhere...) When I was very young, I remember feeling and hearing, "You are so pretty... And smart... I just don't know why you can't find a boyfriend". That would automatically go to a list of reasons and ways to find Mr, Right. What was always at the top of the list - drop some weight. So, the weight problem became not a just health and self-esteem and aesthetic issue; but it was now seemingly "the one thing" standing between finding Mr. Right.
I imagine it became - or has become - for me that I have to be perfect in order to gain the approval of either my inner-circle (parents included) and/or Mr. Right. And "perfect" meant being thin. My brilliance, my career accomplishments, my degrees, my friendships, my years of soccer, my ability to find and job - and another one that paid more and/or gavem ore responsiblity, my moves acrosst he country, etc meant anything to anyone because I ddn't have Mr. Right. And I didn't have Mr. Right because I wasn't / am not thin.
My weight spiral is the result of three things:
1. Genetics
2. Bad eating habits (its ont thing to eat, its another to eat all the wrong things at all the wrong times)
3. The correlation that my weight was the one thing standing b/w me and perfect (and consequently Mr. Right and/or the apporoval of people around me).
People - and I - have made me feel like my weight in some way makes me less-deserving of the "best". Hell, the weight has made me feel / think that I am not even allowed to dar want the "best". Intsead, because I have dealt with my weight for so long; I am starting to think that Fat Shayna is less-deserving than everyone else. It is that belief that had me in a relationship with Mr Hotness while being mistreated and made to feel small - b/c I questioned if I deserved someone so hott (crazy and all) at my weight.
Oh, one more thing... I have tried every motivation factor to get this done. I have used the "one day I am going to run into him again" (see how that goes back to the Mr. Right thing), the "we are only a few days/weeks away from x-event" logic and/or the "I am doing this fo rme..." attempt. Nist emotionally-charged was "I los tmy Mother to heart disease, I am going to do better..." I have tried it all. None of those motivations have worked - or stuck.
Now that we have explored this to death; the goal is to explore and find a useful motivation so that this SkinnyByTuesday attempt actually works!
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